First published in New Escapologist Issue Seven

As long-serving readers of New Escapologist might know, our editor, Robert Wringham, is obsessed with handkerchiefs. That’s right: old-fashioned cotton handkerchiefs into which you blow your nose and then return to your pocket. I seriously expect to see him one day, standing on a crate in Speakers’ Corner, evangelizing over the benefits of handkerchiefs and the evils of Kleenex.

His argument is that a handkerchief is a “permanent solution to a permanent problem” and is therefore more cost-effective and better for the environment than a disposable one. I think he sees it as a parable: a robust understanding of personal finance and investing, for example, will prevent you from treading water as an employee.

If, like me, you’re a cool hipster-dipster, you will not have used a cotton handkerchief in a very long time, if ever. It strikes you as old-mannish and faintly unhygienic. But when Wringham bought me some hankies as a Christmas present last year (big spender), I was forced to reassess my opinion of them.

Hankies are fucking brilliant! They are infinitely better than disposable tissues. And if I’m honest, I never even bothered with those. My pockets would usually be stuffed with lengths of bog roll and napkins from sandwich shops. That can’t be right can it?

The main objection to handkerchiefs is that they essentially require you to put a bundle of snot in your pocket. “Wallet, keys, mucous, yup, got everything,” says Jerry Seinfeld.

But this is no different to what we do with disposable tissues. Who throws away a tissue after just one blow? Even if you don’t intend to use it again, you’ll still have to pocket that snot until you find a convenient bin.

And when you consider the multiple advantages of the cotton handkerchief over the disposable tissue, the handkerchief wins hands-down:

– They feel nicer on the nose;
– They can be washed and reused, which is better for the environment;
– You’ll never have to pay for tissues again;
– They don’t clog the washing machine with confetti if you accidentally leave one in a trouser pocket.

Here are some of the things already I’ve used my new handkerchiefs for, which I don’t think tissues would be capable of:

– I used it as a makeshift tourniquet when I injured my foot;
– Several times, I’ve used it to floss a gob of irritating food from between my teeth;
– I’ve used it to mop up non-snot-based spills;
– I’ve used it to swab sweat from my brow when pretending to work hard;
– I’ve used it as a mask to prevent fume and dust inhalation;
– A handkerchief makes a nice soft pad with which to clean an iPhone screen or the lenses of your glasses;
– I’ve used it as an insulator to wrap around a too-hot cup of take-out coffee.

Apparently, I’m supposed to make this article applicable to the “on the lam” theme of Issue Seven. Well, you could tie a handkerchief – ideally a red and white spotted one – to a stick and it’ll hold all of your worldly goods as if you were an old-fashioned hobo.

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Jon Ransom works as a postman by day and writes secret poetry by night.

26 Aug 2012 No Comments