You can’t get an app for that!

Fans of “But I need It!” will want to hear about the latest catchphrase to evolve in our house.

It is mainly used in moments that witness human ingenuity.

For example, instead of eating pistachios from the bag like some kind of hooligan, I’ve taken to eating them from a cup-and-saucer. I fill the saucer with the salty nuts and, as I eat them, flippantly discard the shells into the waiting cup.

This little system prevents me from eating too many pistachios and helps to perpetuate my reputation as an eccentric Englishman. It’s also good if you enjoy slightly salty tea.

Amazed at my improvisational genius at inventing this neat little technique, I smugly announced: “You can’t get an app for that!”

It was met with much amusement. In my house, I am the king of comedy.

Of course, the joke works even better when you use it for something for which there’s obviously an app. Scheduling, say, or goal motivation.

I like the new catchphrase. It’s a slight rebellion against iPad culture and, at the same time, recognises the futility of rebelling against it.

I’m not very fond of iPads or other forms of “jabscreen”. At worst, they remind me of the game. At best, they remind me of Fisher Price Activity Centres (pictured above).

The word ‘app’ (can it even be described as a word?) ruffles my feathers slightly. It’s not a cause of great stress: it’s a similar level of irritation one might feel when receiving an unsolicited pizza menu in the post. My new catchphrase lambasts it, while admitting that I’m silly to even care.

Anyway. A toast, ladies and gentlemen, for those things which might prompt you to say “You can’t get an app for that!”

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