Scale

Space […] is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mindbogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space. (H2G2)

When contemplating the importance of something like career or personal legacy, I like to regain perspective by considering cosmic scale.

My mantra for such moments is: “what would the wise space baby make of all this?”

(Yes, I know he’s called the “star child”, but “wise space baby” is funnier to me).

This lovely eight-minute film does a nice job of visualising cosmic scale:

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04 Mar 2013 2 Comments

Ambitions

How do you make God laugh? Tell Him your plans.

That’s probably my favourite joke of all time, and I remembered it today while looking through thousands of other people’s life ambitions on a goal-tracking website called 43Things.

That’s right. I am God. Sorry about your funny-shaped head.

43Things is a fascinating glimpse into the minds of humans (or at least the minds of the kind of humans who like to record and monitor their life ambitions).

I’m not really laughing at other people’s ambitions, but as someone who has thought a lot (perhaps too much) about ambition and who has learned to embrace absurdity somewhat, I did feel rather like the God of that joke and couldn’t help but be charmed by many of them.

Look at the all-time top-ten ambitions:

1. Lose weight (41565 people)
2. Write a book (30944 people)
3. Stop procrastinating (30322 people)
4. Fall in love (27197 people)
5. Be happy (24782 people)
6. Get a tattoo (22003 people)
7. Go on a road trip with no predetermined destination (21484 people)
8. Get married (21292 people)
9. Travel the world (21005 people)
10. Drink more water (20255 people)

They’re all perfectly admirable goals, but I’m left thinking “What’s stopping you?” for each of them. I’ve done eight of these ten by accident. If you want to get married, do it. It’s an afternoon.

I’ve identified three main problems with people’s goal-setting techniques:

– Poorly Defined Goals;
– Lack of Ambition;
– Unrealistic or Fantastical Goals;
– Conflicting Goals.

In the case of poorly defined goals, we see things like “Revise my Health Routines” (to what end? in what way?) and “Learn constellations” (How many? All of them? Which pantheon? Which hemisphere?). There’s also an annex to this problem in the form of poorly-phrased goals, which includes things like “installing a new doorbell” (it should be “install a new doorbell” – phrase it as a command and you might actually do it).

In terms of lack of ambition, I refer you again to “installing a new doorbell”. Not really a life goal is it? Or perhaps it is! Perhaps that person has already swum with dolphins or simply doesn’t want to.

But at least a new doorbell isn’t as ill-founded as those goals we can find in the “unrealistic or fantastical category”:

– fly
– be indistructible for a day
– go on a date with Ron Weasley
– be with Jesus
– be queen for the day
– learn to talk with the animals
– own a penguin
– meet a fairy
– wish on a star and have it come true
– learn telekinesis
– time travel
– become a mermaid
– become invisible
– control water
– meet the sandman

Good luck with those! A wonderful thing about this kind of ambition is that the people who have them usually also have quite normal interests alongside them, so “meet a fairy” sits alongside “learn to knit”.

Maybe the fantasists will achieve their ambitions in a weird sort of way. Perhaps the woman who wants to meet the sandman will meet a highly dedicated cosplay guy at a fan convention. To most intents and purposes she’ll have met the sandman. I wouldn’t want to stop these people from living charmed lives.

In the case of conflicting goals, I refer you to the poor fellow whose entries, “end it”, “give up”, and “be forgotten” are a cry for help that could be taken seriously if one of his entries was not also “learn Japanese”.

See also, the gentleman who wants to “be a famous rapper”, “be a famous model” and “walk on the surface of the moon” all seemingly in the same lifetime.

Something lacking on 43Things is a way of breaking these goals down into actionable tasks. If I want to own a penguin, I have to buy a net, travel to the Antarctic and, most importantly, develop my lunging skills.

28 Feb 2013 1 Comment

Work Less

Faced with systemic economic and environmental threats, we’ve been told we all have to work harder and find new technological fixes. Could it be that, instead, the best solution might be a simple, social innovation, an option we’ve had all along? If working less and better can reduce pressure on public services, create a healthier society and cut greenhouse gas emissions, is it time for national “gardening leave” for all?

Yes! A thousand times yes!

An excellent article in the Guardian by Andrew Simms.

One day, I hope, the proposal that we work fewer hours won’t seem so revolutionary. Why don’t we decrease our working hours with every passing year of human civil development? With today’s technology and such a massive workforce at our disposal, that part-time employment isn’t a worker’s normal circumstance is insane.

In the time they claimed back, the couple helped build gardens at their children’s nursery in Flitwick, Bedfordshire.

In her spare time, Cassidy has helped former prisoners with their rehabilitation, built a community garden for a housing association and been an activist

The commonest question to the part-time or unemployed person: what do you do all day? Well yesterday, for example, I sat around on my arse and read comic books, thinking “I might use my spare time to change the world one day. But not today”.

I do whatever I like. Because I can. And you can too.

23 Feb 2013 4 Comments

Escapological Vocab (Part 2)

From Bill Bryson’s smashing book The Mother Tongue, English and How it Got That Way, I learned the origins of the following Escapological terms:

– “Absurdity” was coined by Sir Thomas More;
– “International” was coined by Jeremy Bentham;
– “Decadent” and “Environment” were both products of Thomas Caryle;
– “Superman” was coined by George Bernard Shaw.

I also came across three words new to me:

– Buckshee (something that is free), which comes from India but was adopted by Cockneys;
– Slubberdegullion, a seventeenth-century term signifying a worthless or slovenly fellow;
– Velleity, a mild desire, a wish or urge to slight to lead to action. How familiar a notion that is to idlers!

18 Feb 2013 No Comments

Embracing Idleness

Idleness is the backdrop, the warm embrace to which everyone sinks back in the end.

Five days left to listen to Oliver Burkeman’s BBC Radio documentary about the joys of idleness. A particular joy is listening to a young boy talk about his “ideal island”. Nice appearances from Tom Hodgkinson and Bagpuss too.

(Thanks to Richard S. for putting me onto this.)

18 Feb 2013 No Comments

Party in the Past

Here’s a thought. It’s a thought I had about seven years ago while paying £500 a month to live in a drafty townhouse loft that would once have housed a maid or a nanny.

It’s a thought I had last year when reading that a stony-broke Patti Smith was able to buy a modest breakfast with a quarter dollar she found in Central Park.

It’s a thought I had at Christmas while watching It’s a Wonderful Life, in which George Bailey sells brand new houses for $5,000 in the same year that the average salary was $3,150 (so you could completely pay for a family home in two or three years).

It’s a thought I frequently have when flicking through Emily Post etiquette books, books that give the impression of a roaring 1940s social society in which people had parties often and watched television never.

It’s a thought I had just the other day when looking at the sunken staff entrances to Montreal town houses which have now been divided economically into expensive little apartments and offices. Hardly anyone can afford a house like that now, let alone staff it.

The thought: did the people of the technologically unsophisticated, gap-toothed, commodity-impoverished, disease-ridden past actually have a better quality of life than we do today?

Is that possible? Can that possibly be possible?

They never Tweeted anything to the effect so I guess we’ll never know.

06 Feb 2013 8 Comments

Managers: an explanation

One of the major objections of going to work (though probably not as major as the early rises, the commutes, and the general act of submission) is that you have to face managers.

These sentinels — remunerated snitches of the workplace — are constantly looking over your shoulder, insulting your humanity, and questioning your progress while simultaneously impeding it.

Today I read an intriguing theory (or at least an explanation) for the existence of their caste:

It begins – steel yourself – with a quick lesson from the economist Ronald Coase. In a free-marketeer’s perfect world, Coase said, companies would not exist: we’d all be free agents, joining up and splitting apart on a daily basis, as each new task required. But it’s hard to build (say) cars that way. Searching for the best-priced parts and qualified workers every day costs money and takes time. Companies bring it in house. This has its own inefficiencies: firms won’t always get the best prices, they’ll inevitably end up with some slackers – and, above all, they’ll need to hire managers to co-ordinate their activities, via meetings, paperwork and the rest. But to the owner, that trade-off’s worth it, because the alternative’s worse. What employees see as “pointless bureaucracy” is a company acting rationally to survive. There are bad managers, of course – but at least some of the bureaucratic crap, from this perspective, is intrinsic. Remove it and the organisation collapses.

Basically, civilised society needs an economy, an efficient economy needs organisations, and organisations need managers. The aforementioned downsides of this system are an unpleasant side-effect that we’re forced to go along with if we’re to enjoy the benefits of civilisation.

Personally, I don’t see that the end justifies the means. A bored majority slaving beneath these white-collar tattletales negates the benefits of having a civilisation in the first place. We might as well just all live in the woods.

But the theory offered at least allows us to understand why we have managers and, as Burkeman says, we can now enjoy a “better-informed cynicism”.

02 Feb 2013 No Comments

Fish Sausage

Wanting to raise the extra dough for a frivolous travel plan later in the year, I thought I’d investigate (brace yourself) the short-term employment prospects (I told you to brace yourself).

Why not? It would raise the money and could even be fun. I might meet some new people. I could get an article out of it for New Escapologist too.

Excluded by Montreal’s French language laws from entering the service industry, my old emergency plans of bookshop work or barista work fall to the wayside.

So I started looking out for downright menial work: the stuff I’ve always pompously done my best to avoid. If I was diligent about it, I’d only have to stick it for a month or two. And at least it would be real. It would get me out of the house and away from the computer.

Unfortunately, my idea of what would constitute menial work was a bit old-fashioned if not downright quaint. I was thinking of something along the lines of shoveling snow or washing dishes.

After hours of pouring over the jobs listings, I’ve been put in the picture somewhat. To be a dishwasher requires 1-2 years of experience. Same to be a bus boy or a house cleaner. Snow-shoveling meanwhile is a highly organised affair and pretty much catered for in Montreal.

The only short-order work I’ve been able to find are things along the lines of digital marketing, telesales, twittering, highly dubious copywriting, mercenary Wikipedia editing, market research. There was a job for “social bookmarking supervision”, one step removed even from social bookmarking. In short, the lowliest work now is actually quite high-tech. Thanks to computers, there’s a new sub-basement level of meaningless labour.

At least dishwashing keeps somebody’s dishes clean.

You know what would be genuinely more dignified than these new cyber follies? Lap dancing for foreign businessmen. And don’t think I didn’t see a million Craigslist ads for that.

This is the new world: the new sub-dishwasher society of Sim City.

Page after page of horrible soul-destroying work flowed before my eyes. I was looking fully into the abyss. More than my holiday fund, I was beginning to fear for society.

It didn’t take me long to realise I’d bitten into an Orwellian fish sausage:

The frankfurter had a rubber skin, of course, and my temporary teeth weren’t much of a fit. I had to do a kind of sawing movement before I could get my teeth through the skin. And then suddenly–pop! The thing burst in my mouth like a rotten pear. A sort of horrible soft stuff was oozing all over my tongue. But the taste!
For a moment I just couldn’t believe it. Then I rolled my tongue
round it again and had another try. It was FISH! A sausage, a
thing calling itself a frankfurter, filled with fish! I got up and
walked straight out without touching my coffee. God knows what
that might have tasted of.

Outside the newsboy shoved the Standard into my face and yelled,
‘Legs! ‘Orrible revelations! All the winners! Legs! Legs!’ I
was still rolling the stuff round my tongue, wondering where I
could spit it out. I remembered a bit I’d read in the paper
somewhere about these food-factories in Germany where everything’s
made out of something else. Ersatz, they call it. I remembered
reading that THEY were making sausages out of fish, and fish, no
doubt, out of something different. It gave me the feeling that I’d
bitten into the modern world and discovered what it was really made
of. That’s the way we’re going nowadays. Everything slick and
streamlined, everything made out of something else. Celluloid,
rubber, chromium-steel everywhere, arc-lamps blazing all night,
glass roofs over your head, radios all playing the same tune, no
vegetation left, everything cemented over, mock-turtles grazing
under the neutral fruit-trees. But when you come down to brass
tacks and get your teeth into something solid, a sausage for
instance, that’s what you get. Rotten fish in a rubber skin.
Bombs of filth bursting inside your mouth.

It sends Orwell’s narrator falling into a spiral of apocalyptic thinking:

I can hear the air-raid sirens blowing and the loud-speakers bellowing that our glorious troops have taken a hundred thousand prisoners. I see a top-floor-back in Birmingham and a child of five howling and howling for a bit of bread. And suddenly the mother can’t stand it any longer, and she yells at it, ‘Shut your
trap, you little bastard!’ and then she ups the child’s frock and
smacks its bottom hard, because there isn’t any bread and isn’t
going to be any bread. I see it all. I see the posters and the
food-queues, and the castor oil and the rubber truncheons and the
machine-guns squirting out of bedroom windows.

And that is properly how I felt last night. Utterly horrible, choking on a fish sausage and spiraling dangerously into rubber truncheon territory. I think I’ll carry on trying to write for a living. And if that fails there’s always the foreign businessmen.

28 Jan 2013 2 Comments

Three for Three

Issue Three — The Practicalities Issue — was our breakthrough issue and is always our most popular item at book fairs.

To celebrate its approximate anniversary, we’ve made the PDF available for a paltry £3. That’s the same price as… well, something very cheap indeed.

NE3

Never read New Escapologist? Never tried our digital editions? Here’s a cost-effective opportunity.

Issue Three features a conversation with Tom Hodgkinson who you’ll all know as the editor of the Idler and headmaster of the Idler Academy. It’s also full of fine practical tips on how to get started on (and to maintain) your life of freewheeling laziness.

Spread over 90 beautifully-typeset pages, the contents include:

– Robert Wringham’s classic article “Plot Your Escape”;
– David Gross on tax resistance;
– Mark Wentworth on easy minimalism;
– Mark Wentworth on how to travel;
– Wringham on being a pedestrian;
– Fan-favourite Jon Ransom on how to skip work with aplomb;
– Neil Scott on David Foster Wallace;
– Escaping dependencies;
– Brian Dean on escaping anxiety culture;
– Reggie C. King on the music of Moondog;
– Projects, Trifles, and Follies;
– Tom Mellors on Bartleby the Scrivener;
– Fabian Kruse on how to disappear;
– Leo Babauta on shopping;
– Dickon Edwards and Reggie C. King on pseudonyms;
– Fabian Kruse on money without the work;
– Wringham on Autonomy.

Enjoy it all for just £3 today. But hurry! The offer will end at some arbitrary near-future date!

How to buy? Just click this humble button:

25 Jan 2013 No Comments

Anarchy in Practice

The following is a guest post from Fabian Kruse. He presents a case study of a once highly-regulated space becoming a public playground, and how trusting people to organise themselves doesn’t necessarily lead to chaos.

Having served more than four million travelers per year in the early 1970s, Berlin’s Tempelhof airport slowly lost importance. While it remained popular among more affluent travelers due to its central location, it only dispatched 350,000 passengers per year by the mid-2000s. Two larger airports had become more important, and construction work had begun to expand one of them into the single airport of the city. And so the authorities decided to shut Tempelhof down for good.

The closure of Tempelhof led to an interesting question: What do you do with 300 hectares of finest real estate if you’re one of the brokest cities in the country?

Surprisingly, instead of selling the prime premises right away, Berlin decided to temporarily open up the compound to the public. And while plenty of plans for subsequent usage have since been made (and discarded), the old airport has become what urbanist Nikolai Roskamm called a “utopia of nothingness”: a large-scale social experiment in the middle of the city, powered by slow bureaucracy, Berlin’s DIY culture, and a good dose of friendly anarchism.

Since the opening of the Tempelhof field to the public in 2010, thousands of citizens have not only visited the premises, but taken possession of them. People started cultivating lettuce and tomatoes. They went there to skate, to bike, to hike, to watch birds. They enjoyed relaxing in the sun. They organised events and courses and parties. And as long as they left the field at dusk, the authorities mostly left them alone. While some of these projects have been put into a legal framework by now, much of what we see on Tempelhof is happening without any license. It’s happening without cover charges, without feasibility studies, and without land development plans. The Berliners just began to use the empty space as if it was their garden.

tempelhof